Idol Gives Back Crap

Hoo boy. So, you know I’m an American Idol fan. I’ve watched the show since the very first episode of the very first season. But.

Words cannot express how utterly and absolutely I hated, loathed, and despised tonight’s episode of “American Idol“.

This season is definitely the worst of all six, by far. This crop of contestants is uninteresting in the extreme. But this week’s episodes – and especially tonight’s 2 hour charity telethon “no results” result show – were the worst of the worst season. This “Idol Gives Back” crap is just that. Crap. Pure and utter.

This reminds me of those uncomfortable times when I was a child, attending a matinee showing at the movie theatre… and before the movie would start, they’d show this little two minute film about a handicapped kid, and then the ushers would pass around these tin plates to gather money. I always resented this… hadn’t I just paid for the movie? I mean, if the theater wants to raise the ticket price by 5 cents and then donate that to charity, fine. But don’t make me feel guilty right before I’m about to watch “Destroy All Monsters!” Even at the age of 8 I thought this approach to charitable contributions stunk.

During last night’s extremely, extremely weak entry of “American Idol”, the Idols sang “inspirational” songs… mostly treacly garbage with one or two good songs thrown in. One (LaKisha Jones) actually sang an Idol finale song from a previous season… and those songs are the worst of the worst. Another (Blake Lewis) copied John Lennon‘s “Imagine“. It was torture. I actually wished very much that Sanjaya was still on to add some much needed entertainment value to these funereal proceedings. Ryan Seacrest actually said – with a straight face – that calling in to vote tonight “may be the most important call you make in your life”. Ho. Lee. Shit. I mean… really.

Remember those bad, bad “Very Special” episodes of Family Ties or Facts of Life that would air in the 80’s? The ones where somebody’s friend did drugs, or some kid was being abused by his parents, or some other heart-wrenching storyliine that felt totally out of place in a comedy? Remember how much you hated them? Remember how you’d make plans with your friends to do something else that night if the preview said “Tonight, on a Very Special episode of…” Well, tonight Ryan Seacrest said, and I quote, “In this Very Special American Idol…” I’m glad I had something bland for dinner, because it certainly would have come up.

That was plenty bad enough. But then they gave us tonight’s crap fest. This, the normal results show, stretched out to two hours while very, very sad “acts” performed on a separate stage in a separate auditorium, combined with green-screen pleas for money from a bunch of second-string celebrities. And at the very end of the show, Bono Christ pops in to give the Idols a three-minute pep talk. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. The idols even wore all white so they we Get It that they are saints for giving us This Special Treat. Get it?

During the show, Seacrest kept repeating that tonight would be the most shocking results show of al! What was the shock? Oh, I bet you can’t guess. Yes, you got it:, Nobody went home. That’s right, they were all safe! Because it was a show for charity! And they couldn’t send somebody home on a charity show, now could they? (cue more shots of crying, starving children overlaid with the American Idol logo)

I want two hours of my life back. The only reason – the only reason – I sat through this utter and complete garbage was to find out which of the six contestants would be sent packing. I do not care, at all, for this “Oh gosh we’re so sweet we’re not sending anyone home” bullshit. Tivo couldn’t even help me out this time, since I was watching the show live.

American Idol, here me now and hear me good. You pull this crap again, I’m not coming back. Leave charity telethons to Jerry Lewis. This is supposed to be a vapid, voyeuristic, and purely entertaining talent show with no redeeming qualities whatsoever . Knock it off with the pretentiousness, kick someone off every week like you’re supposed to, and entertain me.

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